That hmm feeling

As I was heading to bed last night I couldn’t help but think that this was one of my last nights to get a full nights rest. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to think about because that got the gears churning and I started thinking about why it would be one of my last nights and that turned into thinking about today and then that got me thinking…etc. As you can see my brain started working in overdrive and that isn’t the best thing to be doing when the whole intention of going to sleep is to get rest.

I hear quite often “we are just not ready” “maybe after I get my career together” “when we buy a bigger house” “when we own a house” so many reasons about why people don’t have kids and why they are waiting. The Hubs and I hadn’t known each other very long when we started dating, when we got engaged and then when we got married. We even didn’t wait very long before we knew we wanted to have kids. I remember the day as clearly as it is today the first time that we got pregnant. My brother was visiting and I woke him up to tell him that the test had said PREGNANT, but he made me take another and that one too said PREGNANT. But I also remember so clearly the weeks after that morning of heartache. And it was then that I fell into the category of not knowing if I was ready to be pregnant again. But that day when I realized that maybe I was pregnant again after eating a whole jar of pickles and almost a jar of salsa that I knew it would be perfect no matter if I was ready or not.

Fast forward nine months and Archer was in our lives. Our family of three was happy as we could be, making it through day to day without me working and just living our lives. Then comes her first birthday and I start questioning the idea if we are ready to add another addition to our family. Then a couple more months and I knew that if we wanted to her to have a sibling close in age that now would be the time. And well so we started to try and we tried and tried… things never seem to go easy for those that WANT something. I was almost to the point of just giving it up for awhile, it was hard to see the NO on the screen, it was hard hearing about others getting pregnant (especially those not trying), it was just getting straining on our family. And that is when we found out we were pregnant. And with both Archer and this little babe I knew that there was a risk and that the sooner I knew it was better.

Going into that first appointment I was so anxious. I couldn’t help but to cry because I just couldn’t bear to hear the news. But the news even though very early in our pregnancy (5 weeks) was wonderful. Fast forward another 9 months and a lot of ups and downs along the way. The in betweens were hard when I began questioning the timing and if I was truly ready to bring another life into our family. How would Archer feel? How would I feel about sharing my time with Archer? She had become such a HUGE part of our lives and now I was wanting to shove someone into her life whether she was aware of it or not.

In the last few months I have been able to see what a caring soul she has and it turned out to be a blessing that she has other cousins that were born before our little one. I was able to see her interact with babies, take care of her dolls (by mimicking me) and truly show how much she loves my growing bump with hugs and kisses. Does that mean she is ready? I’m not sure. Is she aware of what is happening? I think so. Kids no matter how young they are are more aware of what is going around them then what we give them credit for. Just look at how a baby reacts to your mood when you are holding them, they will tighten their bodies or even cry when they feel the stress or the uncertainty. Toddlers will bring you a tissue, give you a look of concern, or want to cuddle more if they see that you are upset.

Now the only question that is left is, am I ready? With less than 24 hours till we will arrive at the hospital and start the process to go into surgery I feel pulled in so many directions. I’m excited to greet our little one. I’m nervous about the surgery and the healing process (didn’t go quite as planned last time). I’m anxious to see how Archer will greet the babe. I’m stressed about the sleepless nights and then having to take care of a two-year old all day. I’m sad that I won’t get cuddle and rock Archer for awhile and that our play time will be limited. But I’m also happy to know that in a few months she will have a little one to play with, that in years to come she will have a best friend, someone to chat with in the backseat of the car and that our little family will have one more little body to love and cuddle. So if the question comes up if I’m ready, all I can say is that I am as ready as I ever will be because truly are we ever really (fully) ready for anything new that comes into our lives?

That hmm feeling

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